Do u have any bacon or vodka by chance
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
i stopped calling them hangovers and started calling mornings a long time ago.
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
thank you for letting me use your house as a brothel.
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
Fell asleep with Kristen and woke up with Sarah. It's official, vacation has begun.
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
I’m honestly just flattered that you think I could make PornHub’s Top 10.
Randomize
