an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
I can't. He's too cute and my tongue is too long.
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
There are Vine videos that have lasted longer than he did
I could see myself being this awkward weirdo drunk girl that patted strangers and danced terribly but was powerless to stop it
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
do you think eating a burger while having sex counts as multitasking skills?
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
I am talking to a naked lesbian about robots. I think this means I win life.
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
Randomize
