just wrote on a church. and then stalked a boy, by the way, i fucked him. him being your friend, also, love tacos.
I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
Saw on the news tonight that Hamilton county's syphilis rate is 9x the national average...use protection!
Thanks, mom.
He answered his phone while he was eating me out and proceeded to yell at his wife for interrupting lunch...impressed or rock bottom?
no one was sober enough to set up jenga so we just threw the pieces at the last person to drink
So topless strobe light beer pong turned into me rugby tackling a bitch to the ground.my tits will never forgive me for sacrificing their majesticness for responsibility
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
Even with help how did you paint a bullseye around your asshole?
Just puked in a cup. Poured it out the window.
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
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