I cut my penus on the lid.
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
He choked me out. i woke up to poo. I dont think i like S&M
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
I just had to tell her that no she really doesnt need to sneak pizza from mcmurrays out in a plastic bag for me later
I booty called her while she was in labor.
You destroyed the landscape if my vagina FOREVER.
So he might be the smartest man alive. He had the stripper pick him up taco bell on the way to the room for an extra 50 bucks.
The bad decision stars are too close to aligning to risk this tonight.
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
the old man that you threw the shoe at says "hi" and many rude words...
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
Well, she chose the fuckboy life or the life chose her. Not sure which one but either way I don't need that negativity in my life.
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
My favorite part was when you kept telling everyone you were being "green" by drinking straight out of the bottle so u weren't wasting a cup.
Randomize
