I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
he's legally blind and likes the sound of my voice, good enough for me.
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
Look at my fb. It says single. That's the gospel.
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
He was talking up his golf swing like other guys talk up their dick. Is this adult dating or just another flavour of douchery?
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
GDI YOU HAVE THE GOD OF FUCKING THUNDER'S NUDES AND YOU DIDN'T SHARE
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
I don't care. We're going to fuck. And I WONT apologize in the morning. You cheated on me, so you can cheat on her with me.
Randomize
