Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
What do you say about some mid-afternoon anal?
Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
She told me I had to leave by four. We fucked until six thirty and we are the champions played on the way home. Yeah god knew
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
I think I shall call his penis Gatsby. We talk about it all the time, but I never see it.
What is your life?
A tangled mess of finals and bad decisions.
I think we need a list of things that are automatic NO's for dating a guy. Married, definitely a no now
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
These beer shits have taken over my entire life.
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
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