Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
i love when people i haven't talked to since we fucked write on my wall.
Apparently getting drunk, buying a guitar from your local costco and walking in to an open mic night is not the same as rocking out to guitar hero...
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
In the middle of switching positions, we shared a line of coke. It's was like a modern-day 'Lady and the Tramp.'
I just found a wine bottle in my shower. Must have been a good night.
He broke hus nose arm jousting with the traffic cones... We need to make head shots illegal or get helmets or something
You'd think the neighbors would be used to grown men coming into my house drunk at 230 am.
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
Everything was going well until he very loudly said that he wanted to cum on my fingernails.
The fact I have to evaluate my choice between tequila and fruity pebbles is a clear image of my life right now
I got with him in my watermelon costume so ya you owe me $1
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
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