Now you know why i just sit on the toilet and scream
Just gave my little brother the collection of clothes that boys have left in my room since I've been in college for his birthday.
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
ya i found him eventually. hes the only one who drinks guiness so I just had to follow the darkest green puke trail
my life has come down to walking through campus and wondering if every guy is the random i made out with saturday
I inspected his penis with a mini flashlight to check for visible stds...he was clean
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
I love shooting for the middle. Those girls never wake up well.
I just made out with Ricky Ullman of Phil of the Future fame and I don't know what I'm doing anymore. Help.
Please tell me last night did not happen and there is another reason why my phone smells like ranch sauce ahahah
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
A piece of your chipped nail polish just fell out of my crotch.
Randomize
