its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
watching hot guy on train scrolling with his blackberry's track ball... o to be that track ball...
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
walmarts paint section shouldnt be open at 3am
I can hear her blowing you man. All I hear is her saying 'yeah' over and over again.
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
He gave me four orgasms and I kept yelling "Thank you!" and he kept replying, "My pleasure!"
Midwestern nice.
She was lying on the table chugging back something when the table broke
She kept going
My boyfriend's brother just got out of jail and he is already telling us to steal cable. Dude.
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
