i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
Currently flirting with a 57 year old. Why do i do this
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
You fucked him. I baby bird fed him whiskey . I feel like we've bonded.
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
Let's buy some Wrangler jeans and be real live men.
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
I was at his place until 2am. We just sat really close an stared at each other. I think you are right. Germans must not have feelings. Not even tingly ones in their pants.
dude. that's the chick that BIT MY DICK. it doesn't matter how hot you think she is, trust me man.
Randomize
