Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
Do you ever creep on the girls you have banged and wondered how their walk of shame went?
if hell is full of stilettos, fake tans, bleached hair, overused make-up, drawn out s's and blatent bitchiness, then i'm in hell right now.
Lol welcome to greek life
I tried making the sex a little better this time so right before I blew I yelled "ready or not here I come!"
when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
I feel like my nipples were chewed on by alligators.
This holiday season is going to be rough between people coming home for the holidays and the already regulars on my list I might have to clone my vagina to make sure I get everyone for all they are worth
I used my tears to chase my tequila. You could say I rallied.
I immediately regret the tequila decision.
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
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