Thats not how I planned it, its just the way she passed out
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
I almost masterbated to the avatar love scene ha it was so hot
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
you dont understand this isnt a sit at a sports bar eating wings and having a beer night. this is a show up to the bar with a fith of Jack and just let what happens happen kinda night. im expecting to smack a bouncer
Ok let me change into clothes i can run in
He bought you footie pajamas. Shit's pretty serious.
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
Another development in my life...I think I pulled a muscle in my neck from vomiting this weekend.
Dude he's moving to fucking Germany now. What is it about your vagina that makes men want to flee the continent?
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
I'm recovering from the blowjob...She's doing her taxes...
I'm still thinking about that amazing orgasm last night. I literally heard angels singing "Hallelujah!!"
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