when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
Cavemen vs astronauts. weapons to be determined. Who would win?
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
Yoga may not b such a good idea for me today. My liver is obviously in cahoots with my colon to pay me back for the past 24 days of misuse . Downward dog could have catastrophic consequences.
This means I've slept with 2 ppl that live in vans...my life is complete
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
Not bad. Ran into Carlo. He shared a story about a sailor who got gonorrhea in his eye. It made me feel better about myself.
I know! It's like he knows when my vagina wants to misbehave!
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
Randomize
