And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
I feel so grown up. I just went to home depot to buy actual home improvement supplies instead of stuff to make a bong with.
It felt like getting blasted with a supersoaker filled with vagina juice.
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
is it too soon to tell him I'm available anytime for Christmas themed pity sex and I'll even wear a Santa hat?
Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today
You know that gay bartender? Not as gay as we thought.....
I HAVE A TEST I'M SORRY YOUR UN SUCKED DICK ISN'T MY FIRST CONCERN
Getting on a bus with a beer pong table. I am proof we can make this campus fun.
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
I just fucked her boyfriend. Happy birthday, bitch.
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
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