Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
Its like common courtesy of dating, the guy pays for the weed, just like dinner
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
His penis was definitely too big to be the type that wants commitment. Shit.
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
just used my sex toy cleaning solution to clean my reading glasses. midterms are cramping my styleeee
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
So... I woke up on a bench with a honey bun on my chest.
I'm getting high with a 50 year old car wash guy. Enough said.
friends are allowed to bang on New Years, I read it on the Internet somewhere.
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
Yeah just had sex and grub hub came right after he did. I’d say it’s a win.
Seriously if we go to rome ur fucking me into the sunset on a wrought iron balcony overlooking Vatican City
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