Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
They just gave us root beer floats. I guess I won't quit my job today.
I may have just googled Muppet Treasure Island drinking game
If we were to wake in ur bed together, what are the 3 words you would say to me?
Get out now.
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
I take your giggles as a yes to operation McLaxitives?
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
Needs to be more caveman. "Me kill roommate. You watch. Then sex time with our genitals."
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
Butt Stuff 2016 unites us all
I'm trying to fuck him and feed him. I don't understand why it isn't working.
We talked about breaking up, had sex, and in the middle of said sex, talked more about breaking up- best sad day ever
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