I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
she looked like the before picture.
his text ended with ... everyone knows dot dot dot equals infer sexy time
Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
My dealer threw in a "freestyle rap" today with my purchase. I dont know if I can handle this relationship.
Food Network. Taking bong rips everytime we want to eat. BOBBY FLAY.
And all I wanted you to do is stand there and sing who let the dogs out.
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
No, that's just what we do when we hang out. We get drunk, have really awesome sex, then fight about why we never worked as a couple
I showed him my toy collection and he goes, "You won't need those anymore," and dropped his pants. I threw the House of Pleasure out last night.
Also, full disclose I puked in a fruit barrel box
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
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