you just used "cock block" and "youth group" in the same sentence. somethings wrong with you.
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
FUCK YOU CALIFORNIA. YOU DO NOTHING RIGHT. FIRST PROP 8 AND NOW THIS.
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
any interest in drunk sledding later? if not, any interest in driving me to the hospital later?
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
You jumped into so many bushes for no reason
it'll be okay! And just think of this ultrasound as the most action you've had in a month...
Here's an unsolicited pic of my tits, because you almost died last night.
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
Drugs and unwanted pregnancies are the only things that I'm good at. College comes in at a close third.
I looked into her soul, didn't I?
You eye-fucked her soul.
Randomize
