no weekend plans? you're practically married
just without the last name or joint bank account
i'd advise against both
new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
Question. If Kwik Trip and Kum and Go were to merge, what would they call it? Kwik Kum or Kum Kwik?
He kept asking me to take off my bra and I sat up so he could. He fumbled with it for a few minutes and when I sighed and went to undo it he goes, "Yeah, you got this."
I thought she was mad at me, but then we did a pose off and I realized we're friends for life
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
I spent a good part of the night in a bear hat claiming I'd changed spieces
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
Well, I was giving him a handy and I sighed in boredom. He heard. I had to fake moaning sounds after he asked if I sighed.
If you fuck her..... You will be in great danger. Like in so much danger it would be like walking into a pit of crocodiles who haven't eaten and you also just stole their baby.
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
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