You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
I didnt realize we were having a competition in poor decision making skills
how else could I explain the last few years
She just stuck her hand down the strippers pants. Shit just got real.
Just sit in your kitchen floor until something speaks to you.
Please tell me why your entire hallway smells like microwaved condoms.
LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
okay - we take $20 and buy each other some 'drink till we puke' clothes from the thrift store.
I may or have may not just taken a swig out of a jar of alfedo sauce in my fridge. Dont judge me
You're dick is like the main character. It needs its own picture.
He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter.
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
Can I send you a random dick pic? It's got a lightsaber tattoo
Randomize
