I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
Whats the count minus fat chicks?
I think our camping neighbours like us. We're the drunk girls trying to chop firewood with no pants on at 3 in the afternoon.
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
DO IT, or I'll send you pictures of my hickey to remind you of your loneliness
I miss the good ol days when id just come home from school and thered be a costco size box of condoms on my bed.
my parents really loved me back then.
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
I'm taking a shit break of discontent as a personal protest
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
Wow I really just sharted up in this Kroger
Hahahaha. He sent me a dick snap in the lululemon stockroom. What is life. If this works out, this could benefit everyone....
I WANNA... wait, will you kinkshame me?
Nah.
I WANNA KNOW WHAT HE SMELLS LIKE
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