I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
The more and more I drink I keep rationalizing banging eye patch girl
Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus.
Jesus, are you hammered?
Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws.
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
I think I might be harboring a Canadian in my womb.
I smoked all his weed and he hasn't noticed yet. But I might need a place to crash when he does
I just had sex with the Sheriff's Deputy. You should call me.
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
Randomize
