Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
So High I just made Cadbury Coffee. I don't know what it is yet, but it involves Cadbury Eggs and coffee.
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
You held your own hair and threw up into a red cup...I think they were more amazed than upset.
Oh man, buzzed lunch fridays almost got out of hand.
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
Dude, I found out having naked people in your car is a felony.. Now were all fucked.
I wish I got like a congrats basket for being a responsible sexually active member of society complete with condoms, tissues and lollipops.
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
Who suggested the eggnog wet t-shirt contest last night like whose idea was that
Speaking
I may be a feminist, but I am not above using my body to distract you if it means I might beat you in a game of scrabble.
Good, I don't think Coke dipped ring pops hold up in the mail anyway.
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
Howd last night go?
well he stumbled in my parents door drunk and then asked my mom if she was my grandma. Id say as far as first impressions go, he failed miserably
Randomize
