did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
people would bow to what i just did to her vagina
So, how do I go about conveying: I'm sorry, yet very glad she is having my abortion. Via text msg?
she was using bread to soak up the vodka off the floor then proceeded to eat it.
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
The last thing I remember is teaching our waffle house waitress to do the stanky leg and promising the grill cook we would come see him at his other job.
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
Also I've been at work for an hour and I've already been "honey"d "babe"d and "beautiful"d by three separate men. Apparently hungover with yesterdays make up looks good on me.
Yeah, first date. First take a pic of him to circulate around for your friends and than have him fill out a short penis questionnaire. Seems completely legit to me.
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
He just got out of surgery, almost died from shooting him self with an arrow.
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
Randomize
