So when exactly did I get naked and makeout with the statue?
i wish exes would disappear into a world where we never have to deal with them again, and they can just create drama for each other. Then if they wanted to talk to us, they would have to apply to get a "visa" to come back to our world.
and all i could think was, am i really about to have sex with someone who still thinks that pee comes out of the actual vagina?
I would have been "that girl" at the party last night if it wasn't for that girl who puked in the potted plant...
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
I have beard burns on my inner thighs. I'd say last night went pretty well.
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
So last night was the first of "I got cut off before I walked in the bar".
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
I went to watch porn and there's already 3 Santa videos. Happy November 1st.
wait he has a twin??? which one did you fuck
yes
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
I never thought I'd be on my couch watching Star Trek, getting my tits rubbed while crying.
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