you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
you're by far the better bro. your dick is more impressively sized, anyway
I hate that you know that from experience
The bartender just hugged us goodnight. I think we go there too often.
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
Made myself shower before I'd masturbate. I probably should have wined and dined myself too, but that's pushing it too far.
He kept checkin to make sure you were still alive after you passed out on his bed, After like the 4th time he walked back in there you were naked on his bed eating an apple, claiming he needed to be the Adam to your Eve..That drunk..
She's just done the monthly not prego dance around our kitchen
Apparently "dick me" was not the response he was looking for.
Something I can get at drive through, boobs out, don't want to get out of the car
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
so I'm walking to my last final while opening my giant red bull and i look over to my right and the guy beside me had one too and was looking back at me. without missing a beat he pulls out a bottle of jager, pours half in mine, half in his and goes "cheers"....i'm not even mad i probably failed my final
...hi
YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF
Ok cool I was afraid you'd never speak to me again. I can work with this.
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
Randomize
