The pink midgets playing hockey is the EXACT reason cold meds and alcohol do not mix. Period.
is it bad if my mug shot looks better than my profile picture?
I told you it's awful. It looks like he was eating honey at a barbershop and tripped.
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
Apparantly 7 1/2 Vicodin is a 1/2 too many.
So that'd what fifty dollars of chicken at 7/11 looks like. Made it to work on time. Puked twice. BOOM.
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
She told me I made the cut, and to write my name and number on the white board by the door. I was the 7th number down.
Once you've seen a girl stick a snake in her snatch normal stuff seems like Barney and friends
You just kept screaming "PLEASE YELL CORNDOG AT HIM. PLEASE. CORNDOG."
Looks like I've become the Walter White of my PhD cohort.
Ever wonder what all the drugs you've ever done would look like put together?
Heaven. . It would look like heaven
I'm at the nutcracker high as shit. It's so beautiful. I cried.
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
Randomize
