Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
yeah, he just sent me a picture of himself with his shirt off.... It didnt turn me on, it just made me want to buy him a big mac....
I don't know how much more of summer my liver can take.
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
Just saw a motorized bathtub. I think this college thing is gonna work out.
WTF WHY ARE YOU STILL NOT DOING A BEER BONG?! THE TOILET CLOG CAN WAIT
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks
Its... i dont even know. theres lots of rap music and i cant find my shoes
My mom just covered me while I peed in the street. I love her. i also love parents weekend.
Spent the majority of my senior year drunk. Graduate of 2011, I think 2011. Probably.
if a girl cums in a dorm room and no one hears it did it really happen?
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
I made him dinner in just his cowboy hat and my boots after we did it...you should see his face :)
So the makeout sesh? Not so great. His stubble rubbed my face raw, he tried to push me towards auto-erotic asphyxiation, and he licked my forehead. Twice.
Randomize
