Was i wearing a white blazer when you superpoke danced me??
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
He gave them shots of purell and called it "acid rain" jello shots. They took them.
I hate freshman.
Its like I instantly had a mental image of me in my mugshot.
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
I think my body is a cloud. This mixture of things is heavenly. Dare was wrong, drugs are awesome.
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
Slept in and having coffee. No sounds of whipping and no veiny dildos next to me. This is good. How's your mornin?
That would involve putting on clothes and I don't think I can face that right now.
Randomize
