My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
So can you tell me who's underwear is on the cat?
We have literally factored in $2200 for bail money in the budget. This vegas trip will be out of hand. We are signing confidentiality contracts.
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
With your fertility you would just get contact pregnant
this is terrible I feel like i'm trapped in a cage with a wild republican
i just stole a 8 pack of olde english 40s and 2 roles of duct tape. we are going to make edward proud tonight.
Come on there are only so many drink coaster sizes nipples in the world
Usually I just ask myself "have I been naked here?" If the answer is no I correct the situation.
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
Last night I somehow got INCREDIBLY wasted & thought it was a good idea to make a group chat with all the guys I'm hooking up with and just say "bye." soo I'm hiding out till next week.
Mom has wine in a to go cup. It's that kind of night.
I also woke up in a bed soaked of pee and drunkenly lectured him on the dangers of chewing tobacco... weird night
She told me to take deeps breaths and I said I said YOU FUCKING TAKE A BREATH CAROL IM SURE IF YOU WERE IN MY POSITION YOU WOULD HAVE OFFED YOURSELF ALREADY and she said my name is Becky 😂
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
Randomize
