Tell LD happy birthday and party like it's $19.99
Recession joke.
She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
So update from last night: I made friends with a coke dealer, I tore the card scanner off the wall of my dorm, and I passed out on our bathroom counter with my head in the sink.
I FOUND AN AUSTRALIAN THEY CALL VOMMING 'RAINBOW SNEEZING' I'M NEVER LETTING HIM LEAVE EVER
I'm so high. Midnight pancake breakfast in bed
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
I don't remember anything after falling in the ditch, but I now have confirmation that my rib is broken. Never drinking again.
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
I felt I lost my designated buddy on a field trip when you wandered off to get high with strangers.
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
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