Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
i just saw a guy carrying a medieval times commemerative glass filled with vomit.. there were 2 people cheering him from behind
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
well when do great stories at the expense of people's relationships become a bad thing?
Being a slut is okay if you're being a polite slut, right?
I just woke up entirely naked on top of a pile of some guy's laundry on his bedroom floor.
you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
The only thing he had going for him was mad fingering skills. the ONLY thing. crayons have a wider circumference.
Ok there's 63 pics of you jerking it on my camera from New Years. The time stamps say it took you 40 min to get there too. See a doc, your only 22.
I'm surprised I didn't lose anything last night. Except maybe my dignity but other than that we gucci.
Everyone thinks it's an okay idea now until I'm overdoing it on the vodka/clubs, dancing on a table, trying to make out with the groom.
tbh i just wanted to fuck a guy with forearm tattoos but then he was so FORWARD about it
Woke up with a pineapple again... where do i keep on getting these ??
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
Randomize
