This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
The way you explained my vagina was exactly the way I would of described my breakfast burrito.
The sun is out and the snow is finally starting to melt here... Vodka bottles keep popping up everywhere. Guess it's the college version of burying nuts for the winter
We were all drunk for the whole flight. Steve doesn't even remember the cab ride to the airport. At 6am. Says he "blacked back in" at security.
What do you mean how did you end up there? You told him he had a face you'd like to ride, that's a deal sealer in any language.
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
i just wanna get shit faced and pass out in some random holly bush with a bucket on my head and stockings for shoes.
Now I'm at the gym and I never want to leave. It's a combo of adderall and endorphins and I don't want it to go away
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
Can I put tequila in the fish bowl? I think he wants to party too
I don't trust his life but I trust his penis.
at this point I think you're judging my taste in men
I swear I'm not
It's okay, I'm judging my taste in men
its 4am. iam sitting in the luggage car of the train eating beef jerkey. i feel like a hobo.
dont insult. no hobo is as pathetic as you.
I don’t know how to sext. What do you say? What do you don’t say?
Just start quoting WAP lyrics.
Randomize
