first i yelled "you cant get it up?" and then in the middle of it i opened a Corona
took acid and went on safebus. all the lights were off except the adds. swear to god it was a submarine
she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
Trevor is horny so he just called me to tell me all the things that he would like to do with his future wife. That's a new one.
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
Sorry I pissed in your closet and lied to your parents that it was probably a flood. He got up to go to the bathroom, expecting sex when he got back, I panicked
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
Tell him to put up or shut up. Can't be dangling dick in front of ho's without delivering.
It's just disrespectful
woke up with 8 used magnum condoms bound together by floss around my neck, thats about all im gonna tell you.
I also guarantee you multiple orgasams and blueberry pancakes
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
Randomize
