I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
her voice honestly makes me want to vomit. i have springsteen cranked up all the way.
he fucked me so hard my future children felt it
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
Did you find any other hidden treasures in my room? Specifically weed? Or Slim Jims?
I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
We were suposed to have a 3some in their bathroom but it just turned into us 2 making out while he watched like a little kid on christmas morning
The school security guard knows my name.... I think I'm missing some memories...
Two run-ins with cops/park rangers tonight and now I'm just wandering around high and shirtless
Sacramento doesn't deserve you
So as a result of a tragic manscaping accident I've had to shave all the hair off of my legs. The result is... not great
Then we woke up and they shouted "Emergency Vodka!!" and that's how we got redrunk.
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
Randomize
