I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
farters have to be the big spoon...
Who did Billy Mays play for?
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
Trying not to fart in the comp lab is going to take everything i've got.
You ordered a "mcblizzard" and yelled @ the worker for false advertisement because she didn't flip your "mcblizzard" upsidedown. You wanted it free. I'd say mcdonalds daytime workers need to be trained in dealing with daytime drunks too. She didn't know what to do.
as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
Where is a good place to buy a New Year's outfit that acknowledges I don't have tits but screams I suck dick like a champ?
Need you on the dancefloor. Hungry and lonely.
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
I was walking back to the dorm and was made fun of for wearing a coat. I'M SORRY I CARE ABOUT MY WELL BEING.
My lease is up and I've been thinking, it's only fair that the guys I've fucked in this apartment in the past year help me move. They enjoyed the bed, now help me move it.
This is why we can never be just regular friends. The shit we do is not regular
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
Randomize
