Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
Now you know why i just sit on the toilet and scream
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
him and the cab driver we buy e from got into a fist fight, about which show is better, futurama or family guy.
I just realized I donated our bong to goodwill.. RIP Kimbo Slice
You suck, She hit so hard.
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
After a beer I realize now I may have shared too much about my obsession with ghosts with my therapist this morning.
I'll do whatever I want when I'm 80.
If you are still alive at 80 I demand a medical explanation.
I'm glad you threw up in my bed because now we talk.
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
Randomize
