also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
You'll be happy to know that I did indeed fracture my rib in a sex related injury
Ya I guess he's not a bad roommate. I mean if he wasn't here I would probably be more lazy and pee in bottles and stuff.
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
Theres a midget tsa agent. Just an observation
She kept telling people I wrecked her brain. That high.
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
After we hooked up, his roommate shouted "I LIKE TO HAVE SEX TOO" from across the apartment
I just have to decide what I love more, food or dick.
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
YOU CANT JUST BLOW GUYS BC THEY’RE NICE TO YOU LEXI
I CAN IF I WANT TO
So many questions...the two most important are, where the fuck is my booze and how did you even get the couch through the door?
Randomize