I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
Its like Laser Tag, but more fun because it ends in sex
You poured sparks in your panties and NOW you're wondering why you have a UTI?
yes you're required to wear a bikini its the snowpocalypse beach party
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
We can talk about your dick in my throat after a decision is made, this is my hair we're talking about. .. shit's important.
You ever just SEE a guy and know he's good at choking someone out?
It's 3 am.
He usually doesnt care about me cumming but last night he really tried, I feel that him going to the Womens March benefitted my sex life
Maybe you should slow down tonight...
KINGS DON'T NEED ADVICE FROM LITTLE HORN-BILLS FOR A START
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
Randomize
