also i tucked his toothbrush in my shirt. why? i dont know.
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
Based on the pics I have taken of hookups while they were passed out or sleeping, I have scientifically concluded that no two vagina lips are the same. They are like snowflakes.
I just ate a can of beans for dinner so I can afford to go get a 5$ bottle of wine. I really did not think these choices would still be necessary at age 25.
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
well, at the moment I'm sleeping in someone's closet in a buzzlightyear snuggie, so I can't judge,
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
He wanted to watch the vow, cuddle, and not have sex. An upgrade is in order.
The only downside to doctor sex is that getting choked with a stethoscope leaves marks.
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
Like I don't care that he's a drug dealer, but I have a problem with his inefficient and ineffective business model.
I spend so much of my life shaving my body hair off and I want nothing more than his beard in all my hairless places.
Get the fuck in, we're going to Taco Bell.
Randomize
