My penis looks like a roll of pennies
Oh. Ok. I get the hint.
Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...
my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
she looks like luggage that fell from a plane
I think her nose is broken... but I think she's just drunk enough to fall for the whole "sex releases endorphins, so it'll feel better" line.
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
Dry heaving on campus is my new low. Also, go pats
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
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