So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
The maintenance guy at work just asked me out for a drink. For once, I proudly said that I was 20.
Currently flirting with a 57 year old. Why do i do this
Just beat off to internet porn while talking to my mom on the phone and eating a cinnamon roll. U have 5 minutes to get on my level
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
You slammed your forties down on the table and yelled "I AM EDWARD FORTYHANDS" then mumbled something about repping Idaho like a champ and laid down on the couch.
Still dying that you shit outside
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
Its was awkward last year cuz in the middle of it her mom bust In the room with noise makers and champagne
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
You’ll lick BBQ off my cock but no ketchup on a hotdog?
might I remind you I fucked a 21 year old and almost did coke with strangers? you definitely came out on top
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Randomize
