I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
he quoted cool runnings while we were having sex: feel the rythm,feel the rhyme, get on up, its bobsled time
is drinking for groundhog day legit?
well you blacked out on MLK day and we pregamed arbor day, so yes
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
You lured him into the bathroom with a trail of jello shots, then proceeded to barricade the door with duct tape. You really should have thought that one through..
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
So your brother is gay after all... Just caught him making out with my brother... Apparently he's gay too
We were at dinner and dad asked me to pass the salt and I suddenly remembered doing body shots when I was blacked out last weekend.
I'm never going to adult. I'm staying a child. The only thing related to adult that I want to do is you.
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
I had such a bad bruise on my knees from blowing him so much, he asked if he could sign it...
Liz Cheney wasn’t exactly on my list of women I expected to be saying “YAS QUEEN” for in 2021 but here we are
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