i came on her dog
We just found a knife wedged in between the cushions on the couch you guys fucked on...why is this?
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
It's a long way off yet but I've started planning my eviction party. Be prepared, it includes jungle juice.
The great thing about vietnam is that if I'm drunk during the day people just think I'm being white
Fair enough. I'm gonna finish off half a bottle of Brunettes in the shower anf relive the good ol' days. We need a reunion
I tried to interpretive dance to Candy Shop to stop the awkwardness.
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
I threw up off of your balcony and it must have been loud because the dog downstairs went insane.
I'm gonna have to get a lube sherpa.
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
We had sex on a couch that was held together by Velcro. Want to know an unsexy sound? Velcro ripping apart under your bare ass.
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
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