I'm drinking ghetto ass mojitos!
Wow. How can mojitos be ghetto?
Squirt + bacardi limon + limes = ghetto mojitos
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
I'm ready for this little girl to leave so I can hit the bong already
The theme is smores and alcohol. Dress appropriately.
Is it sad that I just used my electrical knowledge to not only fix but improve my vibrator?
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
Would it be tacky of me to tell the two girls I just found out he's been sleeping with on the side that I've been having gay sex with him all semester?
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
Just found out that guy A from the threesome I had is now dating guy B's younger sister
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
rock bottom is drinking straight vodka from a protein shaker, singing one direction and crying alone in your room. exams.
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
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