This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
The party theme was heirs and heiress's. Most guys came in polo shirts but he came as the "arch duke of vagina".
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
Question. Was fucking Laura an entirely regrettable decision?
like...quickly.
You were asking her how her mother would feel if y'all dated, etc. And I was yelling at you your girlfriends name over and over again in between gags and sobs.
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
Is it customary to send a 'thank you card'to someone who gave you awesome oral as a gift at your housewarming party?
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
GIIIIRL I AM STONED AF AND I HAVE A HOMEMADE POT PIE IN THE OVEN THIS PARTY IS LIT.
Had a very good bday. Have the teeth marks and bruises to prove it
He forgot how to sit. we had to pick him up and set him down.
I woke up to pee last night, got out of bed and proceeded to stand there because I had no idea where I was. Then, I heard my sexy as fuck personal trainers voice. Well-played blacked out me.
Randomize
