I murdered the dance floor call the cops
Do u have any bacon or vodka by chance
I decided to name my penis gatorade...is it in you?
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
duuuude. vodka popsicles DO NOT function.
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
there is something about beer and popsicles that make the world go round
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
Yeah started playing at the wedding last night, when the line. "Ludacris fills cups like DD" he starts pointing at my tits right in front of his grandparents.
I want to be "performing a disservice to society by actually wearing clothes in public" hot.
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
Should I rub the neighbors amazon package in the dog shit they left on the front steps?
just played fuck the dealer and thunderstruck with my physics ta. he is the third ta that i have drank with this semester, i think i'm getting good at college
Randomize
