he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
Did you seriously take investment advice from our coke dealer?
some bitch filled my sink with salsa.
soo how bad was i last night?
licking sour cream off of the table at pancheros bad.
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
I feel like a cloud. A cloud that wants to be laid.
So your bra was hanging in the Christmas tree last night at some point I think
Let's stay in this weekend and play drinking games to the Winter Olympics.
As long as we can drink anytime we see a stray dog, mafia looking Russian or double toilet.
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
Ugh, once again I had to block the view of him peeing off the hotel bar balcony, I earned those free drinks!
I take Paypal, cash, sexual favors, and roasted red potatoes with garlic as payment. You choose.
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
I'm in the Sheetz parking lot waiting for dad to finish a drug deal.
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
Randomize
