Sometimes I wonder if my friend studies mystic Christian theology because he's afraid to come out of the closet. Evidently, it's okay to talk about God coming inside you, but not to say the same about dudes.
Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
level of my singleness - just ate a whole pizza topless in bed.
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
Finals week has gone away, doo dah doo dah, drink martinis naked day oh da doo dah day
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
Nothing better than going to Mass on Easter Sunday with "I love penis" henna tattooed across your back. Love your Indian culture.
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
Left Las Vegas at 2:30 am, woke up at 11 AM at a Barstow gas station with the Valet from Ceaser' palace snoring in the backseat and no memory of how we got there. I felt like Raoul Fucjing Duke right then and there.
I just found your shirt hanging in a tree 4 blocks from the party...in the opposite direction of your house. where are you going?
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
we bonded over knowing every word to freaky gurl by gucci mane so it’s kinda starting to make sense why I gave him head in his cul de sac
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