Maybe I'll tuck it in and pretend to be a woman pretending to be a man that is attracted to women that are attracted to women who look like men
Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.
Well its kinda hard to gift wrap an orgasm
Dick in a box?
He answered his phone while he was eating me out and proceeded to yell at his wife for interrupting lunch...impressed or rock bottom?
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
Never thought I'd say this, but getting head from a skeleton was better than I thought. Happy Halloween
Swear on my life the dude next to us just ordered a pizza and I will fight to the death for a slice
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
Yeah come over whenever. Weed gets here at 8.
I'll be there at 7:59.
God gave you your own nipples for a reason.
Randomize
