TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
It was all about her orgasm last night. I felt like a human dildo.
the awesomeness of being snowed in wore off after we ran out of beer and we realized we really didnt want to be stuck with everyone.
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
I'm missing some hair, but it's cool. Breadsticks are done.
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
He put my hand on his penis and said welcome home.
It's the 30 sec rule.... the worst that could happen is I could die
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
I need vodka mixed w a bit of holy water right now
I'll do my best. he just keeps yelling beer and doing dick helicopters
Idk what I'm more afraid of...checking my bank account or my STD results.
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
You know you're high when you find yourself sitting on the floor with the refrigerator door open, talking to various foods. Hand gestures and all.
Randomize
