Worst sexual experience IN MY LIFE. And now i know why it makes jesus cry.
apparently you CAN get banned from Nascar.
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
I don't even know how sober sex starts anymore
Watching water boil has never been so amazing. I love wake-and-bakes.
He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
I don't even know what beauty is right now. I wouldn't even pity fuck me today.
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
you realize you insisted on them having a dance off to korean music to determine who takes you home?
He goes to Columbia so regardless of how he looks I should fuck him right?
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
Yeah we've been texting but I don't know how to just randomly throw in sooo the real reason this is happening is because i hear you're a drug dealer
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
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