Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
dude,it's memorial day.not getting wasted=you're a terrorist
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
Yes she was blowing me but I couldnt see her face. The only light was from the sparklers she asked me to hold. I love 4th of July.
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
I think the best course of action at this point is to cut his balls off to get him to stop reproducing
It was going very smoothly until she noticed my boner of hope.
Obviously last night's theme was "Let's Make Bad Life Choices"
Got so high i fell asleep kyaking...for 2 hours.
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
Randomize
