We just stood on the porch wondering how you managed to puke up a whole piece of bologna
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
I think he'd cut a tree down for me. He's from North Dakota. That's something hot guys do there, right?
He gave them shots of purell and called it "acid rain" jello shots. They took them.
I hate freshman.
Stumbled into class and into a desk. When I fell my bottle broke in my backpack. I had to leave there was vodka everywhere.
hey. so did i get tied up by a jumprope last night?
I mean, I'm twenty four years old and I've never paid for my own drink. You can't say that any of your ex girlfriends boobs are THAT great.
Just saw the guy I slept with last night in a bar. He gave me a high five and kept moving
I suppose what I've learned from this experience is that sometimes you just have to make out with a narcissistic baby daddy to make a clean getaway.
Was i rolling around in a parking lot last night
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
Instead of going to my moms birthday party I went over and gave him head. I should win non girlfriend of the year award
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
I saw that he had a tattoo of a map of New Jersey on his arm, so i slowed down to like 20mph and pushed him out of the car
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