can you please tell me why I'm bleeding so heavily from my ass and all my makeup is gone?
Oprah is sooooo fat. I can't even concentrate on Mackenzie Phillips talking about banging her dad
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
sooo I am sorta kinda using your name as my stripper stage name.
Cause a man that looks THAT good must have an ass that tastes like lucky charms
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
He kept telling me Te Amo last night. Over and over. And that he was scared. Drunkenly. In Spanish.
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
I'm bringing home frosties. I need to talk about butt stuff.
In the middle of pounding my asshole he stopped and said, "do you want to get breakfast after this?"
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
the yoga instructor with the "dirt" and "roots" tattoos is seriously mother nature. i get my period after ever session i have with her. i'm trippin' balls over it.
Randomize
