i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
Just saw Youth in Revolt. There are only so many times Michael Cera can lose his virginity.
For someone who "only drinks patron" your lack of pickiness with men alarms me
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
just woke up COVERED in glow sticks and glitter. didn't even have to turn the light on to puke.
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
Like I respect him so much I would suck his dick
In a very non respectful way
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
Excuse me while I gouge out my eyes.
In which case my work here is done.
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
They found me wandering around campus screaming body shots over and over again wrapped in a curtain
WHY DON'T YOU WANT TO BE MY ESKIMO BRO
Accent: check. Hot body: check. 8" dick: check. Feeds me biscuits in bed after rampant sex: check. Should I continue with my "Why I'm not coming back to the States" List?
Randomize
