Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
idk if its the weather or the "im still drunk" or the morning sex i just had with my roommates gf but that was def the most enjoyable walk in the rain ever
He said he wanted to see my room, not my womb. It's a common mistake.
having my hair in braids makes puking so easy. i am being an indian every halloween
the parents are super pissed...made eye contact with the mom while going down on another girl
She told me she loves her boyfreind while she was giving me head. He must be a nice guy
The light burnt out and he thinks the power is out in the whole house. He is cooking a hog dog over two candles. I'm gonna see if he'll make me one
Did your surprise acid trip turn out well?
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
They weren't kidding when they said "Go Army Strong." Best sex I ever had.
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
I just hooked up with the German exchange student who doesn't speak English. And you said I have no talent.
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
Randomize
