Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
Tell her to not eat the pizza she threw up on.
he came on my stomach, took his sock off, wiped it up, put his sock back on along with his shoes and left.
Chicken salad taco, you know, when you're out of bread and crackers, and high.
THE BIG GAY MAD HATTER IS HERE AND HE HAS DRUGS IN HIS PANTS FOR YOU. COME DOWNSTAIRS BITCHEZZZZ
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
This is the second girl that said she wanted to fuck me while wearing a clown nose. Fuck online dating
Can you rollerblade?
No, why?
Honestly, I was high and picturing us roller blading together. I wanted to see if I could make my dreams a reality.
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
So, it's been almost 3 months and and I still dont know her last name. That's gotta be a record.
All I'm saying is the next time I see him naked, there better be something in it for me that doesn't end in bailing him out of jail.
I think he may actually care that I call him slampiece instead of his real name. Who knew he had feelings?
Typical. We're ready to go, and you're not wearing pants.
I know we agreed to cock block each other from now on buttt I WANT this one. I have felt his penis, it is godly, and I am going to have it inside of me, so shut the fuck up and leave.
Randomize
