dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
he must have thought the song was "ejacuate on the dance floor"
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
I guess since this is supposed to be my year of the lesbian it's okay
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
She apparently grabbed another girl and pulled her into the shower fully clothed. When the girl was like "you need to stop" she curled up into a ball and refused to leave.
Whoa, you know how to pick em.
I'm sorry but that single bed couldn't hold all five of us, especially with those boobs.
You're not on my level until you shop at Petsmart for sex accessories.
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
I realize that my conversation topics seem to only be about bees and my cross dressing fiance. Thank you for being my friend.
I just had 3 numbers I don't know text me and remind me I am to attend AA on monday. Im gonna say it was a good night.
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