Boner jamz table deep. plus bar deep. wiing waing.
I wish facebook had a fuck off button.
It's like having an annoying little brother who wants to have sex with you
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
Had a farmer come into my class to talk to us today. He apparently met his wife on fb and just thanked jesus for his land. I think I am in the wrong major...
A man in denim coveralls just shotgunned a beer on the dance floor
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
He thought my hair would soak it up. I HAD TO CUT IT OFF.
That's not a funny feeling. That's hepatitis. You got it from that bar where everything was sticky.
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
The only thing that got rode last night was the shit face train. I brought him home to see wht all the hype was about and he just started crying and puking in my bathroom.
I was giving him a handjob in the woods and a family walked by
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
Last night I made out with two lesbians while dancing with another girl. I'm pretty sure it wasn't even real life.
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
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