you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
thank god random hookups don't end with college. happy birthday, america.
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
No joke. Last we saw of him he was naked and dragging that stupid goat into the bushes.
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
Ok, Jen and I are going out tonight and getting rowdy. I think you and Steph need to come. I understand if you can't, but not going out means you're automatically obligated to post bail. If necessary.
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
I'm just sad for you. It sucks that the 17 douchebag asshole guys you're fucking can't morph into one nice, normal, non-alcoholic guy that has a drivers license and no criminal history.
TOPLESS DRIVE THRU! I have no money and my dignity is at an all time low.
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
I had a flashback of using my sock as a napkin after we got taco bell
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
If you don't wanna wax my ass just say so.
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
Randomize
