i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
Seriously. There are at least 10 other people drinking at the bar with me at 10:40. Im justifying it with the fact that I've been up since 5am.
Send me the video of myself under the polar bear skin. It's important.
Clearly my hormones are sending beaming lights to every penis in the area
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
WHEN DO I FOLLOW THESE PEOPLE. I WOKE UP THIS MORNING &FOUND TWEETS FROM ILLUMINATI AND "hot shot 6th grader"
Well watching will be involved...it'll just most likely be of me licking your penis instead of me trying to understand how Hans Solo goes up against the Galactic Empire...
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
Girl, we were harassing people from the top of a building. I don't know how I got down, but I'm eating chocolate cake in my kitchen. Sall good yo.
you got coffee,laid,and a sandwich. that never happens when I work
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
I feel like I beer bonged a ton of asbestos
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