one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
when she first told me she hooked up with him my initial response was to shout "WE HAVE SOMETHING IN COMMON!"
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
dude throwing a golf cart off a pier is harder than it seems!
Yes dating, but it seems easier to just live in a perpetual state of Netflix, internet porn, and cheese.
I may have had several rum punches and then gone to the store and used European cucumbers to prove my baton twirling prowess.
My roommate is fucking his gf in the shower and i really have to pee do i just bust in or pee on his bed
I spanked her so hard I woke up Grandma
I'm so drunk and angry about the Michigan game the fact of my relationship being over doesn't matter
He can sense you did cocaine and had park sex with a large ginger from Australia last night.
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
Randomize
